Her: My name is Katherine but you can call me Bunnie!
Me: No, Katherine. I don’t believe I can.
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Love listening to 29 year olds say they are old.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
Decided to stop saying “please subscribe” in my videos and it’s working. No new subscribers.
[first date]
Him: See? Juggling on a unicycle is easy.Her: You’ve lost a lot of blood.
Him: I’m fine. Throw in another chainsaw.
Her: While you’re just laying there?
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
The government is worried aliens will invade us but I’m worried the aliens will be sexy. I’m in my 30s. I’m ready to settle down. I’m too old to have a crush on someone living 6 or 7 galaxies away. Long distance is hard enough on the same planet. It’s just not realistic.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
*mops up wine with cat*
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
My kids are running around the house with animal plushies and figurines making the wildest noises, and when I asked what they were playing, they said, “RABIES.” Oh, okay.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are