welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
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my first dose meeting my second
When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.
Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
if they ever legalise drugs, Nestle definitely need to make a KitKet
Today is 3 wks in quarantine w/o sugar. Walking 3 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour! I feel great! No alcohol & vegan diet! A 2 hr home workout everyday. Lost 14 lbs & gained muscle mass! I have no idea whose tweet this is but I’m proud of them so I decided to copy & paste it!
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
*First Date*
Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL
Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law
ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
It’s pretty wild how we used to lick each other to say hello
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Telling someone “You are not alone” can be either extremely comforting or absolutely creepy depending on the context.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!