The two types of wives
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It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
If your BF wears a gold necklace outside of his tshirt both of you will be asked to get out of your car by the police at gunpoint some day
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
My neighbor just walked by carrying some pots for planting & I said “Looks like you won the pottery lottery!” Now everyone is mad at me.
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Can you hear my chips?
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
gonna be sporting and give tim a five minute head start
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pokémon.
some of you youths are gonna be real disappointed when u discover that turning 30 just means you still have all the same weird interests but can’t turn your head all the way to the left anymore
my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans