Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
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ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
Me: There is a small tree on fire.
911: Could you describe it?
Me:Picture shrubbery…now picture it engulfed in flames.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
My first thought when meeting new people is often how tiny they are and how security in this maternity ward sucks.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
If pigeons and chickens made a tribe would the be called the coo clucks clan ?🤔
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
me: *waking up* who’s there
monster under bed: hi
me: *shaking* omg you’re real
monster under bed: but i won’t hurt you
me: oh
monster under bed: just give me all your halloween candy
me: dad?
monster under bed *taking off mask to reveal my dad*: dad tax
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
It’s a good thing I brought poopy bags so my dog can clean up after me.
just responded to every text i haven’t replied to in weeks by sharing my wordle which i got in 2 guesses
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?