Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
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It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
Waiter: How do you like your steak, sir?
Sir: Like winning an argument with my wife.
Waiter: Rare it is.
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
I’d rather go liquor treating.
I love it when someone texts “come on, your a smart girl” in a condescending manner and totally misses the irony of it. I am smart, but you’re* not.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
me: I’m nervous about my job interview
friend: just be honest
[later]
interviewer: hi
me: yeah a little