There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
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Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
“Sorry I didn’t have a chance to clean up the place,” I say as I wave dismissively at the chalk outline drawn on the living room floor.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
The nice thing about getting older is that you don’t even have to be drunk to fall in the bushes.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
ME: (doing stand up)
GUY IN CROWD: BOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 2: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 3: BOOOOO *throws a tomato*
GUY 4: what the-
GUY 5: he’s just eating those like Pac-Man
My little dog: *knocks garbage can over in kitchen, walks by me with pizza crust hanging out of his mouth like a cigar*
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
“Only a good guy with a forest fire can prevent forest fires” – Smokey the NRA Bear
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
🎶 I’m a joker
I’m Al Roker
I’m a forecast broker
Looks like Tuesday there’ll be sun 🎶
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
For all the people who doubted me:
You were right
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.