I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
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My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
someone tried to scam my grandpa by pretending to be me saying “hey grandpa, it’s your grandson, i’m stranded in europe and i need you to wire me $5,000” and my grandpa was just like “…robert would never be in europe”
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
my mom: fix this for me
also my mom: no, not like that
still my mom: it’s not working
mom: wait it is now
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Patient: I’m going to miss you. If I need anything how do I reach you?
Me: Pentagram and a dead goat
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.