A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
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Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Want to get really stoned? Commit adultery in Iran.
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
I swear I’m more than a mom. I’m a sweary mom.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
it’s really cute when pets sigh. like what ails u lil buddy
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
When someone asks you “what is it that you like about me?”
“You’re gluten-free” isn’t the answer they want to hear.
the composer