me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
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Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?
Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??
*Good Will Hunting*
Professor: are you the janitor who’s been solving the math equations?
me: [writing ‘80085’ on every chalkboard] yes?
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
Me driving through Toronto
No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.
Iceland has a web page for the upcoming presidential election. You can go in and enter your name in support of a candidate. In an attempt to do so, apparently 11 people accidentally registered as candidates and are now running for president. Looking forward to the TV debates.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
If my partner didn’t want me to wear yoga pants because they make me too attractive to other men, I’d respect his wishes and take them off.
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.