Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
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History may repeat itself but a toddler does it better.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
[Olive Garden]
PATRON: there are so many types of pasta
WAITER: [required to say this] yes…*clenches teeth* the pastabilities are endless
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”
Ominous sub-editing fail of the day
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
At the gas station just now a nickel fell out of my pocket and hit my shoe before landing perfectly on its side. Turned around to show the guy standing behind me in line and he was blown away and said “that’s how you know none of this is real”
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Me: If I take these, will you do that thing I like?
My sinuses: Oh yeah baby, we’ll let you breathe.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.