For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
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Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
I’m really bad at portioning uncooked pasta…so if you and 110 of your friends wanna come over, dinner is ready.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
*packing suitcases*
kid 1: stuffed animals, toy cellphone in side pocket
kid 2: stick
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
When you wake from a dream it can feel so real that you say things to your spouse like, I’m sorry I married Jason Momoa when he turned you into a florescent beetle.
Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point