5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
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I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
I told my husband that one of the kids isn’t his. He’s not mine either. He just wandered in one day and never went home.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
I am *this* close to adopting a bunch of cats and opening a bed & breakfast called HairBnB.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?
Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.
I got gas today for $1.39. Unfortunately, it was at Taco Bell!!
Marriage is the leading cause of Irreconcilable Differences.
Seduction is an art and some of you are still making stick figures in finger paint
“Susan, will you marry me?”
“Oh yes Johnny, yes! Yes!”
Ten grand later and it’s still the best prank I ever pulled on my twin brother.
A new study shows that people who have a rich social life, live longer. In other news, I died in 1982.
Me: Ugh, these edibles are crap. I don’t feel a thing.
Cockroach sitting next to me on the sofa: Tell me about it, sister.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.