Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
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A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.
Worst police interrogation ever.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
2022 just sounds like you lost track while counting
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
My ex used to sing “Brown Eyed Girl” to me….
I have blue eyes. This should have been a sign.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.