“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
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Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
Sometimes I’m sandpaper and sometimes I’m chapstick and sometimes I’m bad at metaphors.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
After 12 years of marriage we no longer spoon. We chopstick.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
Gordon Ramsey getting ready for bed: Wet the toothbrush. Salt, fresh pepper. Toothpaste on. Delicious
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
posted the “what are my red flags” thing on instagram and not a single person replied. just as i suspected, i am perfect.
j o i m p
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
Instead of just answering the phone when it rings, I prefer to wonder why the hell someone’s calling me and glare at it until it goes away.
[tries to take a selfie]
Phone: NOT ENOUGH SPACE.
[deletes a bunch of photos]
Phone: still tho… don’t.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Amazon Prime sounds like a great dating site for Super Fierce Cougars.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.