Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
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God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
Invention: When your heart stops beating, your smartphone and laptop instantaneously explode.
PATENT PENDING!!
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
It’s that scene from footloose where Kevin Bacon is angry dancing in the barn but it’s me trying to do my taxes.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
[January 1st]
Moon: whatcha gonna do today
Earth: START A REVOLUTION
I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch just one video.
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
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“Vitamin Water”?? Sorry bud, that exists and it’s called SOUP
Send me your home address and I’ll mail you a personal drawing of your favorite animal as long as its a buffalo.
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
[ robbing grocery store ]
me: put the money in the bag
her: paper or plastic
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen