Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
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It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
As everyone was arguing about politics, no one saw me leave with the pecan pie.
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
*buys a sectional couch made of cauliflower*
Just saw a bird walking down the side of the road & yelled out my window, “YOU CAN FLY, YOU STUPID BIRD,” because I am a mature adult.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately