Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
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You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Oh OK thanks for the tip, I was actually planning on letting the bed bugs bite but good call
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Me ten years ago: I can’t believe people are giving up their landlines. That’s crazy.
Me today: I can’t believe people still have their landlines. That’s crazy.
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
I like you, but I like peeing in swimming pools, so it’s not saying much.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope
My 13yo son pays monthly for Snapchat+ so he can get a better Bitmoji and I would probably make fun of this if I hadn’t previously paid for Favstar
ok this is my dumbest yet
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.