*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
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Just saw a horse drawn cart. Wasn’t a very good cart. Horses are terrible artists.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
An owl showing some catlike behavior.
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Cop: “Are you driving under the influence?”
Me: “No.”
Cop: “Say the alphabet backwards.”
Me: “Tebahpla eht.”
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.