blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
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If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
Me, an intellectual: A spam and banana sandwich would be called a spamananawich.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
*Jumps out of bed
“Seize the day!!”
*Stubs toe
*Calls in sick
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
The irony is that if we had a vaccine against stupid, those who need it most wouldn’t get it.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
WIFE: How’s the ventriloquism going?
ME: Not good.
WIFE: But I got you that Ventriloquism For Dummies book.
ME: I don’t think he read it.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
[giving a eulogy for my doctor]
ME: im very sorry that i ate all of those apples
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.