Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
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Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Jesus: one of you will betray me
Judas: *surprised pikachu face*
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Very good news from my accountant
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
When my kids ask what a word means, I tell them to bring me a dictionary.
Then I smack them with it, and tell them to Google that shit.
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
“Have you met my other half?”
– Former magician’s assistant and victim of tragic “sawing a woman in two” trick.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap