CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
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mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Friend: There are plenty of fish in the sea
Fish in the sea:
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Maybe someone just charmed the pants off of Winnie the Pooh.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
– Shout!
-Me:
– Shout!
-Me:
-Let it all out!!!
-Me: *shouting and letting it all out*
-These are the things i can do without.
-Me:
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
I just wrote that it has already been an exceptionally long eeek and I don’t even feel the need to correct it.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
Ron is short for Aaronald
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
I’m pretty sure these people at the next table are talking about how paranoid I am.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.