Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
You Might Also Like
cats: you just cleaned this box, i must use it
dogs: I can’t use a clean area, I must go where everyone has gone before me
The vacuum cleaner is officially dead. Guess who’s getting a new vacuum cleaner for Father’s Day?
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
Me :
All Day At Night
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don’t ask her.
j o i m p
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
hot tip: to avoid writing bugs, don’t write software
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Liquor Store Parking
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
Hey did you know that if you step on the gas and brake at the same time your car takes a screenshot.
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus