Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
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I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
Alright, time for a Twitter spelling bee! First word: “their”, meaning “belongs to them.” Alright, that only leaves 14 of you left standing.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
they finally got him. they got macavity
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
an hour on the treadmill is not so bad if you don’t turn it on.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Baking is just science you can eat.
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now