Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
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There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
anyone who’s put together Ikea furniture knows damn well why they call it a hex wrench
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
me: you take my breath away!
scuba instructor: sir, just give me the tank
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Story of my life…..
What’s the difference between a sweet potato that you take out of an oven and a pig you throw out the window?
One is a heated yam, and the other is a yeeted ham….
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.