He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
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Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
4, crawling into bed with me at 3am: mommy? i had a nightmare
me: me too. what was yours?
4: ghosts were chasing me. what was yours?
me: that I didn’t have kids and I could get a full night’s sleep
4: you know nightmares aren’t real?
me: yeah, I do
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
How to meet a girl:
1) Walk into a bar.
2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”
3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.
I like to make sure my breath is always fresh.
*eats entire sleeve of Thin Mints*
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Sounds like a bargain
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.