me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
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Me irl
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
Oops I deleted….
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Signs you’re a man:
*has a massive heart attack* It’s nothing, really. I’m fine.
*catches a cold* Gather ‘round children. My time is drawing nigh.
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class
boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”