WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
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me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
You don’t love me. You just love my Looney Tunes jean jacket
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
[having sex]
HER: tell me your fantasies
ME: I wish I was a dragon
HER: no, I mean-
ME: but instead of fire I breathe jelly beans
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.
Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.