My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
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JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
[movie theater]
TRAILER ANNOUNCER: how far will one man go…..to protect what he loves
ME: [turning to person behind me] pretty far i bet
Obi-wan: You don’t have a shot with Padmé.
Anakin: Don’t underestimate my charm.
*stares at her creepily for the rest of the movie*
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
I hope Alan is OK
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
Chef 1: You can’t serve cake for breakfast, moms won’t allow it.
Chef 2: What if we fry it in a pan & pour syrup all over it?
1: GENIUS!
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
Years and years of periods are how women got so good at cleaning up after murders.
And I’ve said too much.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.