A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
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Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
I’ve got these gifted children and I want to know how long it is before I can re-gift them.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
My husband calls me Sugar and my dog’s name is Sugar so when he says, “C’mere Sugar” there’s an awkward stare down between me and the dog.
All these years you thought your grandma had Alzheimers, and turns out she just didn’t want to talk to you.
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
i made cheesy potato soup & my 5-year-old walked into the kitchen and told me it “stinks like a raccoon”
guys what if I accidentally brought home the wrong baby from the hospital because I don’t know if this one is mine
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
Employees must applaud the planets.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.