me: interested in how the sun shines in our new apartment
boyfriend:
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I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
I’m a really great friend – provided you don’t have any other friends to compare me with and never listen to my advice.
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
look at me when i’m typing to you
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…