Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
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Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
me: do you want to play some ps4?
frenchman: oui
me: no we only have the playstation
mom: call your grandmother, she sent you a birthday card with $10
me: ok
[later]
me: hey grandma
grandma: hello dear
me: i need more money, this isn’t 1842
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
Answers phone breathlessly
Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
I was living with this woman for almost 6 years.
Then she noticed.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
God: have a seat it may take a while to explain what you do.
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth:
God:
Sloth: *begins moving towards chair*
God: okay actually you got it have fun on earth.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down~me, doing cardio
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
If you’re having second thoughts….
you’re ahead of most people.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS