Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
You Might Also Like
[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
My husband and I are celebrating our “porcelain” anniversary in a few days. Sounds like someone is getting a new toilet this year.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
What do we want?
An end to auto-correct errors!
When do we want it?
Cow!
Sow!
Bow!
Tow!
Duck this!
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
More like “wife is home” vs “wife’s not home”.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
It’s not easy to find someone who has their shit together, but when I do I avoid them at all costs.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
3yo: When will I die?
me: Hopefully, not until you’re very, very old.
3yo: Who is going to kill me?
UMMM, what?
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all