Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
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Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Everything was going exactly as planned and then I woke up.
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.