astronauts be acting like they’re so cool, as if we didn’t know at least 60 dogs and monkeys went to space before them
You Might Also Like
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
The worst scene in La La Land is when Emma Stone gives Ryan Gosling permission to save jazz because she already solved racism in The Help.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Inception (2010) – Five men and one woman plot to nap on a plane.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
My son used to check under the bed for monsters. So once I hid under there – so he’d see me and laugh. Anyway, child therapy is pricey.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Now that HBO has a partnership with Sesame Street we’ll finally learn how to spell the names of all the Game of Thrones characters.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”