Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.
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therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Casting agent: If we hire you at SNL what would you like to accomplish?
Me: Staying up past 10:00.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Being a mom means always wondering where that pee smell came from
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘monosyllabic’
“Can you describe it in a sentence?”
Yes
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Jewel: 🎼 I got my eggs, I got my pancakes too
I got my maple syrup, everything but youMe: Girl, quit while you’re ahead
Jesus’ Greatest Miracles:
3) Turning water to wine
2) Raising Lazarus
1) Maintaining a milky-white complexion in a desert climate for 33 yrs
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”