Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
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Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
Week three of my new job, they’re all cunts.
There’s a weekly team call at 9am every Monday, what’s wrong with these people???
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Jupiter
‘You have a choice to not be rotten’ I patiently explain to my cat who promptly responds by vomiting on the couch
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
My life as a parent is less Mary Poppins and more Shawshank Redemption.
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Taking pity on my neighbors and finally getting motorized blinds on my windows… they’ve suffered enough.
I was buying ice cream, Pop Tarts and mayonnaise. She had organic vegetables & Kombucha.
The check stand divider was mostly symbolic.
My girlfriend broke up with me. I am devastated. How could you. I did everything. I surprised you with burgers every night
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats