[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
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Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
“You know your addiction is bad when you lie and say you’re at the gym when really you’re out shopping” is the title of my autobiography.
Dr: How are your new pills working?
Me: I cry, eat & want to sleep a lot
Dr: Those are common side effects
Me: Oh. They’re working fine then
Son: Thanks for the dating advice
Her: HE gave you dating advice?
Me: Hey! I know a thing or two about women
Her: Name one
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her: Well?
Me: Give me a minute
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
my wife: what did you get me for my birthday?
me: {staring at the amazon drone quietly dropping off an iguana wearing a tiny cowboy hat on the porch, something i bought for myself 3 days ago, totally forgetting it was my wife’s birthday} remember when you said you liked iguanas?
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
Someday, maybe a year or a decade from now, we’ll look back on this day and think, “Crap I completely forgot to pick up my kid from daycare.”
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
[aquarium]
me: look at the chorse
wife: it’s seahorse
me: i know how to spell chorse linda
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
3 day weekend: *exists*
Americans: