Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
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At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
“It’s a competition, I didn’t come here to make friends.” — Jerry, the 1st contestant eliminated on this season’s “Friendmakers”.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you’re going to take a group photo.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
A Trojan ball of yarn shows up at the cat lady’s house and 40 squirrels come running out.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
in french Spongebob is translated literally as “bob l’éponge”, while patrick star is, of course, “patrick étoile” but squidward, for some reason, is called “Carlo”
I have no theories as to what the apocalypse will be like.
But I do know my kids will still be asking for snacks.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
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I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.