Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
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Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve
Awkward=when autocorrect changes ‘sooner’ to ‘sober’ so email to 8 yr. old’s teacher reads “I apologize for not getting back to you sober”
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
11 famous chickens who flew the coop, number 7 will surprise you
– cluckbait
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
Me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
And then there were 4
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.
It is true. Time flies when you are having fun.
However it is also true that Time eventually rests on a tree branch and shits on your head.
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
I don’t get Twitter drama! I’m here to make friends, not argue
Me, 30 seconds later:
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
Agency: Why have you decided to adopt children?
Me: I’m trying to get on the Buzzfeed funny parent list
Agency:
Me: Children are the future