The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
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I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
There are no mistakes, only learning opportunities.
***UPDATE***
Do not tell your kids they were learning opportunities.
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Me: eats spicy Szechuan for lunch
My guts the next day: look, we’ve had this discussion before
Me: “This new flavour of Pringles is horrible.”
Wife: “You’re eating a tube of tennis balls.”
If I had laser hair I would never get that shit removed.
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
How long do I need to wait after getting the vaccine before I can start wiping my boogers on strangers in public again?
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
[running away from killer]
KILLER: YOU’RE GONNA TRIP ON YOUR SHOELACES THEN I’LL GET U
ME: MY SHOES ARE VELCRO
KILLER: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
The saddest thing about the digital age is the next generation won’t have that “nudie mag they found in the woods” experience. #culture
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
God: Imagine there’s no heaven, it’s easy if you try
Angel: wait and lose this job security? In this economy?
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
My dog: I need to go out
Me: it’s raining
Dog: out NOW
M: Okay but it’s raining
Dog: *walks outside* oh shit, it’s raining
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit