Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
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[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
What they don’t tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like it’s evidence in a murder trial.
Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
banks: have you gone paperless yet? then go paperless! being paperless is great! oh you’ve gone paperless? THANK YOU! WE LOVE YOU! YES FOR PAPERLESS!!!!
those same banks: we need a postal letter as your proof of address document nothing else will do lol soz
Asserting dominance by starting all my private DMs with “I hope this dm finds you well”
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
that lip filler tho
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”