[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
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If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.
[car in front of me stops to turn, forcing me to slow down slightly]
ME: I hate you
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant
Hey rappers, if you have to keep reintroducing yourself then you’re not a very good rapper.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
St. Valentine’s Day is my favorite holiday that’s named after a massacre.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
I don’t know you well so I’m sorry I called you a dink and not the more formal dinkus.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
LEGAL TIP
Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”
This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
[pregnant with first child]
Wife: our daughter is only going to eat organic, non-gmo, non-processed foods and drink volcanic rock filtered water from the island of Atlantis.
[two years later]
Me: our daughter just licked Cheeto crumbs off the floor.
Wife: she’s fine.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.