If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
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Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Me: I’m so tired.
Phone: Put me down and go to sleep.
Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Strike fear into the heart of your teen by telling them that you want to hang out while they have friends over.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people that use birth control and the people that step on Legos at 3am.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
Be Careful Driving
#BostonBlizzard2015
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.