me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
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If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Papa don’t preach
I’m in trouble deep
Papa don’t preach
I’ve been losing sleep
But I made up my mind
I’m keeping my baby velociraptor
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
[a Swarm of Bees requests to be your friend] um ok
[a Swarm of Bees has invited you to event “Come Outside”] what tha
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
[does ten push ups] I am a weapon
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
[boss’s office]
BOSS: Do you like my fire place?
ME: Actually, it’s one word: “fireplace”
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: Oh, I get it now
Only short people can save us
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
911: What’s your emergency?
“I put the Ford in affordable housing.”
911: Are you flirting?
“No I crashed into some apartments. SEND HELP”
Don’t worry, officer, this isn’t my blood. Really, stop searching me! I feel fine!
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.