When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
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Waiter: And how did you find the wine?
Me: Well the first clue was the bottle in the middle of the table
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
I am 30 minutes into home schooling my 6 year old. I suggest that all school teachers are paid £1m per year from now on.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
I waved at this lady who I thought was waving at me but as it turns out she was actually waving to someone behind me, so to save face I hailed a cab and had it take me home, now I’m doing the walk of shame back to where my car is parked so I can drive it back home too
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”