Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
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Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.
~Superglue, probably..
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
I’ve seen wax fruit less fake than you
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
Added some new forms of payment to this store…
I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Are you a cop?
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Enter password:
“ScoobyDoo”
sorry password must contain a special character
ScoobydooFeaturingBatman
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
what idiot named it jurassic world instead of parks and rex
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019