I love how we all talk about The Last Supper painting & nobody mentions that all 13 of those guys were sitting on the same side of the booth
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Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
The fact that the Oscars doesn’t have a host doesn’t bode well for Parasite.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
Find someone who looks at you the way a 125 pound dog looks at your lap as you’re trying to eat dinner on the couch
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
ao3 writers are a whole other bread. i feel so bad for laughing but this is dedication
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003