TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
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HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
My french toast just surrendered to my german sausage.
Breakfast is weird at my house.
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
Welcome to marriage. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can be used against you in a court of in-laws
“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
Watching the Super Bowl because I’m a lifelong fan of knowing what everyone’s talking about the next couple days.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
fly smarter, not harder
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
Are you ok, human???
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Me: Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!
Bartender: doesn’t matter how many times you say it, we don’t have it
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
PATIENT: Someone gave me pills at a party and my stomach hurts
DR: We took x-rays. You have spongy dinosaurs expanding inside you right now
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me