The Punning Dead.
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Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
A dating app for people who are way too into cookies, called Crumble
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
The glove snap before the prostate exam isn’t necessary. We just do that to mess with you.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Even after seeing all of the Jurassic Park movies I still feel like a dinosaur theme park sounds like a really good idea
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic