I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
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Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.
[cleaning the garage]
ME: just sweep all the dirt and leaves into the driveway
12YO: ok which app do I use
ME: it’s a push broom, there’s no app
12YO: is it on mom’s phone
ME: no app. push. the. broom.
12YO:
ME:
12YO: so should i download it
reviewed some movies recently
(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Trying to not lose my SHIT as someone in the office kitchen continues to call Thomas the Tank Engine “Thomas the Train”
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
Drugs don’t kill people, people who run out of drugs kill people
😩😩😩
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
You found a baby spider in here?
-Yeah, but only one.
*Googles avg # of spiders hatched*
*eyes widen*Just. One?
[Never. Sleeps. Again.]
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”